Dependence and Marriage

Dowd Simpson

07 Aug, 2015

I wrote in an earlier post about how I believe we were created to be dependent, even while functioning in a highly independent society. We were created to be dependent and will find things to fill that need of dependency that will likely leave us feeling unfulfilled unless we find fulfillment in the Independent Creator himself. So what happens with marriage? It is an institution where dependency is possible if not highly encouraged. So now what? I want to be dependently dependent on God yet find myself desperately needing my husband as well. 

I do need my husband. And I think that's ok. But do I need him too much? I am not sure. Webb travels for work about 25 weeks out of the year and we are blessed to be able to travel with him. However, there are times when I have to stay home with the children while we travels for a week without us. I do find myself naturally transitioning into an independent mode when he is gone. I function relatively well without him (or at least I pretend to), for an unpredictable allotted amount of time. I strive to do it all in my own strength and then I find that I come crashing pridefully to my knees with lots and lots of tears and tension from the desire to be able to do it on my own and the reality that I cannot. I have found this to be the through line of my life. Always an attempt to do things on my own. Independence. But realizing I cannot, and discovering yet again that I am needy. Dependence.

Up to the moment before he leaves my heart is painfully breaking. It's like the anticipation of the separation produces a poison that causes my heart to wither, crack and crumble. Which is not a bad thing I suppose. God did design us to be dependent after all. And isn't marriage a reflection of Christ's intimate endless love for us, his church. Webb, a muddy reflection of Jesus and myself an even muddier reflection of the church. Therefore needing my spouse shouldn't be wrong. But here's the thing. Do I need him more than I need my God? Does Webb fill the space reserved only for the holiest of holies? I want to long for God the way I long for my husband when he has just left.

Is Webb more to me than he should be? 

I ask this because of the gnawing emptiness I feel inside when he leaves for a day, a night, a weekend, a week, two weeks. It is an emptiness but it’s more. It’s this emotional wet rag rung out the hours leading up to his exit. I think he fills too big of a role, a role only reserved for God. I want to feel that way about God. I want to feel about God the way I feel about Webb. Needy.

I think I can do it on my own. Muster enough strength to get by. But I want to stand firm with Jesus. Not feel completely alone without Webb but rather, I want to know the truth that comes from standing with Christ. Even hanging on to him. Or having him carry me. 

I am not an independent single mommy. I am not a desperate dependent wife. I am a dependent mommy and a dependent wife, both desperately dependent on my Savior, Jesus.

Lord forgive me. I beg for your help and admit my desperate need for you Jesus to save me, live in me, work through me, increase astronomically as you manifest the fruit of your Spirit inside me.​