Weakness, Neediness and Goodness

Jill Hudson

16 Sep, 2015

I am so so so so excited to have one of my best friends contribute an entry for my website today. I feel incredibly blessed by the Lord in His gift of friendships. This one in particular. It's not often when a soul connects to another, but when that magic happens there is a light of love that shines through the highs and the lows. There is a solidarity in this friendship that is built on the genuine pursuit of the other's good. There is an understanding of genuine love for one another. God is good and gracious in the gift of Jill Hudson to me! I am thankful for her heart to recognize what the Father is doing in the midst of the mundane and how she rawly, with unhindered abandon, through tears and laughter, savors the sweetness of His grace poured all over her life. So here is her heart:

What a privilege it is to write on my dear friend’s blog. Her heart and her words are a gift to me and I feel honored to share a bit of what I am learning.

As I prayed about what I might share, the word weakness kept coming to mind. I was actually on the treadmill for the first time in ages and truly feeling the depth of my weakness. Not my physical weakness, although that was very apparent, but my spiritual weakness. I have a three year old daughter and a precious husband, both of whom I love “to the moon and back” as my daughter likes to say. However that morning, 2 days ago, in fact, I woke up and was unkind to them from the start. I was sound asleep when my daughter crawled, or jumped rather, into our bed and wanted to be as close to me as humanly possible. My husband was already awake but my daughter only wanted me to get up and get her milk. Apparently I pour milk into a sippy cup so much better than he does. I snapped at both of them for inconveniencing my morning wake-up and stomped to the kitchen. I brought her milk and acted totally annoyed that he didn’t lovingly offer to jump out of bed and fetch the milk. My heart was ugly towards them right from the start. Then we had breakfast together at the local bagel shop and for a few minutes I was kind and we had a nice outing. When we got home I started to get a headache which is not uncommon and I went back to snapping at them. It was only 9am. Because my mom was in town my husband and I decided to go to the gym and as soon as I got on the treadmill I started feeling the weight of my capacity for sin. Gosh I was so unlovely this morning. Everything about my attitude and heart were telling me of my weakness. At my core I am unable to love the people I love the most. I could almost physically feel my weakness. What a gift this realization was to me because it was pointing me to Someone who isn’t weak. Who loves me perfectly. 

Jesus met me at the “Y” that morning on the treadmill and told me, I know. I know you are a mess. I know you can’t love selflessly, you can’t serve humbly, and I still love you so much. My weakness in that moment made me see the goodness of my Savior and the tender and rich care He has for me. I was actually thankful for my ugliness that morning because it was pointing to my need for a Deliverer. God requires perfection and Jesus met that requirement on my behalf so that when God sees me, He sees Jesus. That is Good News. 

How I hate the word need. Admitting my weakness is one thing but neediness seems to carry with it a level of hope that someone will show up for me. I often boast that I am not a “needy” person. I like to take care of others and make sure everyone is thankful for me, but by no means do I want to appear like I need them, it feels too risky.  When I am weak and then needy I am admitting I want someone to rescue me. The pressure this rescue creates is too much for the people that love me. Well on this morning, I wasn’t disappointed because my neediness was met by my loving and merciful Father. I am learning to lean into His sufficiency and rest in the truth that He doesn’t run from my neediness and in fact He runs towards it. He doesn’t need me to perform for Him or serve Him, He loves me just because He loves me. What peace I find there! It frees me up to share my needs and hopes and weaknesses with those around me without asking them to fill a void only He can meet. 

The last thing I will say is, somehow I often think I am capable of putting on the “Fruit of the Spirit.” That I am able to be good apart from His hand. I live under the loud voice of “should.” It goes like this “I am a Christian therefor I should take my neighbor a meal, I should clean the house for my family, I should be joyful, I should read my Bible.” What a lot of pressure to try and live up to these things. Its almost funny that I wake up every day thinking today I will get all these “things” done. Obviously give me until 7:22am when my daughter jumps in our bed and I know I am incapable to any of these. By His mercy I am learning to see that when these actions come they are a GIFT from the Spirit that lives in my heart. I know His presence is real when I do things like get out of bed before my family and read my Bible or have patience when the day seems too long. I’m not a “good” Christian or a “disciplined" Christian. I am a very very needy and weak Christian who has a very powerful God who pulls me out of my bed and calls me to Himself. I am certain and thankful that both my neediness and my goodness point me to my Savior.